field notes from the worst day of my life

11:12am

I didn't want this.

I never wanted this.

I relied too much on a supposedly guaranteed future together that I didn't plan for anything else.

/////

12:08pm

I need to stay alive for Clifford.

If anything, I need to give him a good life.

/////

1:19pm

All the meaning has left.

The meaning in everything has left everything.

/////

10:50pm

It was you and me

In this life and the next

And the next

And the next

And the next

You said in your vision two years ago

That you'd seen to the end of time? I think?

And that it was me, it was always me

Wed 9/17 3:36pm

apparently no one can tell me that something sad is even on the table, because my mind(? my body?) will register is as The Most Likely Possibility begin grieving before i'm ready. i'm listening to "Title & Registration" by Death Cab and i wana tell someone what's going on and that uh-oh i'm listening to this stuff that's not good and i realize: that person would be you. none of my friends, even my closest, know that we're in trouble.

where did i mess up? when i was at my deepest low in years, this summer, that overlapped with yours? i'm sorry you're not able to fight to drag me up in the way that i'm TRYING to help you.

what kind of rain is falling?

i never

end up being someone's first choice,

or their last

you keep saying (to the tune of Wolves Where I'm Going)

You love me very much,

Very deeply,

But do you write songs about me?

For me?

It's hard to tell

Because you talk about you and another person smoking

And I know you know that I kinda used to smoke, but not really

I'm enough to move you

Off the couch, and out of your chair,

And sometimes into bed

But am I enough to move you

To write me into chords and picking,

And open mic hauntings?

Because I would haunt you, too

If I die first, you know I would haunt you

sometimes,

it feels like it would feel good--amazing--to just snap.

bubble waffle

Do I like them more because of the texture

The little pops I can sink my teeth into instead of squares

And finding they're less hollow

And still filled with sweet dough
Sink my teeth into squares

Sink my teeth into squares

Why does it get harder and harder to stop myself the older and older I get

What have I let go
What have I abandoned

What have I killed

What have I let

Why doesn't this unlock every time I listen to him ramble like the Columbia without a dam in sight

Like nothing as dark and rich as his voice has turned on that light before

What is it about the sun that kills my cave creature interior

Why can't I walk this way easier

Why do I always feel inferior to you

I've always felt that way but before I could buoy myself knowing that despite that fact you still wanted me

You, wanted ME

Do you still want me? Still need me?

I'm nipping at the edges of what I know

I can't plan a wedding

I can't curb a craving

I need sugar

I need sleep

I need to go lift more weights

Lift more weight upon my shoulders

Oh what a soft cross to bear

I wish I could wrap you up in my giant fallen angel wings, I know they're there

Describe them for me

Describe the softness of my thighs for me

Describe my legs, my somewhat cut calves, my shoulders,

Describe my neck for me

Describe my jawline, what it was and what it is

Oh take me up on it, I'll fill in my neck below it with tattoos just to make sure it's still there

going home from work early on the springiest day of the year so far

blind the way it sounded

heard the way i found it

sorry i haven't been writing a lot lately,

i've been living, but also deep in debt, but also watching a lot of Trek.

war cry

No sympathy for transphobes

No pride in genocide

Arm the working classes

Keep your eyes open wide

on not getting into the MLIS

quoting "Billboard Heart by Deep Sea Diver:

I'm welcoming the future / by letting go of it