admissions (hear my final word)

how could i know i was stepping on glass, and it only cut through my shoe, and pricked my toe, and now i have a tiny wound from which pity like a pin-sized drop of blood comes; apparently you are cut all over; your mask hides more than i thought, i guess, or is this your mask? the grave and sunken face of a wounded soldier, innocent and fighting for a good cause,

how could you deceive me, talk to me in friend-like tones, encourage me to brave the headfirst dive into a repeated episode that, now that i think of it, will probably have an annual reoccurence. step, step, you got closer to me, you thought you could make me see only who you were, when your ghost was laughing and joking about poisoning your bloodstream with friends of the same interest, telling me you had faith when you had faith in lying and wearing two faces. when you told me you thought her manner and interests were unbecoming to you, you had thought them a notch shorter than glorious all along, even when her attention was placed elsewhere.

hypocrite, here's the thing: i don't like you. you used to be my friend. i don't want to patch things up, regardless of my lack of sewing skills. i tried to erase you for a reason-because they all had done the same to me before, and it worked. i never wanted to write you back in.

i apologize if your feelings are hurt, or even if you just tell me so. i'm sorry for the way i went about it. but i'm not sorry for my reasons.

i regret the fact that i used to be in your position, and that it probably will happen again to me, but i'm much, much more mature than you now, and so i now believe my actions and reactions will differ from now on. but for once, i selfishly, meanly, want to be the one to break a heart this time,

because i've never had the chance too, when everyone else dredged up from the past has trampled over me with battered shoes, because i'm always the one with only the power of the emotions, and never the control over the situation, becuase i will admit, i am a selfish unnameable person to you right now, even to myself, that i want for once to NOT CARE ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON IN QUESTION, instead of caring all the time, and look where that got me, look where i ended up, desperate for a role reversal in heartaching power, and this is both our faults, it's just a vicious cycle, it is...

so i'm not moving anytime soon, so what? if i come visit the school, it will not be to see you. if i see you around town, i will mostly likely pretend to be looking for someone or something else, because by then the remorse and regret will have set in for a double fortnight's stay or a little longer, and the Lord in heaven and my friends and family all know i am the ruling set of awkwardness. in other words, don't say hi. don't pretend like you were oblivous and ignorant of this whole wrenching event. don't erase and start from square one, because i'm at square 18, and i like to play hopscotch. if you take it one or two steps further, i will never stay in the same town as you.

seriously? my heart's not on the ground anymore, and it won't be for you to manipulate it. it's not going to be on the ground for a while. only the Lord knows where.

this is what was building up inside of me to say, and this is how it came out, and i can only admit once more that i am a hypocrite myself in every respect but this one. i am not letting people tread on me anymore. i am speaking out when i feel the need.

i need to ask for forgiveness for my selfishness and my cruelty.

-d