grains (the ever-used analogy for time)

i have the oddest urge.
i feel the need to have a relationship.
and i feel horrible for that.

i do want one. a real relationship. which is strange, considering i've never been in one; who am i to constitute what a meaningful relationship contains within itself? but the feeling is there, ever-present: glowing like a lone ember. it feels like everything is winding down already. here we are, burst from the energy of gaining a temporary freedom, exuberant, wild, taking-on-the-world-and-everything-in-it read in our faces. there a few instances where when this all winds down...it winds down for good. they're gone. miles and miles away and me left in the middle of the crossroads not knowing if i'll ever see them again.

i like change in the long run--i know everything happens for a reason, good or bad, and i try to see that. i see change as, objectively, necessary in the cycle of life. sometimes, though, caught in the moment--i want stability. to see what happens were the world to stop turning for just a split-minute. for things to remain as they were, paused in time until i could reach whatever i wanted to gain. if time were on my side.

hourglass analogy. the show must go on, and the earth must keep spinning, constantly. i am left wishing i could change some of the little things i said or did, but i realize in the end i have very few, real, regrets in my life. possibly because i haven't lived quite long enough, but it's just how i feel.

(funny--feelings. aren't they?) i base so much off of them.

.............................

current thought (they jump around): this was a good idea--i used a plain white cotton t-shirt and got all of my friends to sign it in their own creative, colorful way. i absorb memories into my skin whenever i wear it. i wear my heart on my sleeve...and apparently, on my shoulder and back...

-d