sunday.

and here is where i jump back from the acceptance stage once more.
i'm angry.

my grammy had called not two minutes after i had confirmed the truth about him. my mother came home from riding her horse to find a nineteen-year-old young woman sitting in the corner of her own room, cradling the telephone, sobbing. broken in the corner. when i finally was able to get off the phone, i choked out, with much difficulty, that he had died. she immediately began comforting me; just whispering "i know, i know" and "i'm so sorry" in response to the incoherent spasms of sorrowful speech coming from my mouth. but one question stood out to me:

"was he a christian?"

i could only reply that i didn't know, which made me cry more.

which, while reflecting upon this earlier tonight, knocked my emotions from the fifth step and they rolled down before stopping at the second: anger.

does he need to be "a christian" to be in heaven right now? i can honestly say i don't know what his religious affiliations were, if he had any. but i had earlier come to the simple conclusion that he couldn't be anywhere else right now. he was too good, too happy, too alive of a person, of a soul to be anywhere else.

i mean, miracle of all miracles, we received constant rain and a loud thunderstorm the entire day--i saw more lightning bolts in one go than i should ever be comfortable around, and the power went out and came back on in the span of two seconds before, and i swear, the thunder boomed right over our house. but i wasn't scared; it merely made me alert. i couldn't decide whether it was a mourning of the earth's loss of an incredible soul, or the jubilation of the angels as they received him. i think both, but more of the latter--you were never one to be quiet when you entered the room.

i am so sick and tired of the church being so narrow-minded. this tragic event has opened my eyes: it has increased my faith and my love of God, and yet at the same time, decreased my faith in the church and most of its most specific doctrines. had someone passed all their life not knowing God and the salvation His Son died for, but most certainly lived up to His example, even without knowing His character, finally breathed their last, i believe God would still take them by the hand and lead them home. this is my own personal belief as far as death and the afterlife are concerned.

true, this particular church is where i grew up, they as people have been very kind to my family. i have come to even love some of them, and they are dear friends. but the entire mess is showing itself for what it really is--a mess. there are contradictions everywhere i turn, from the gleaming white baby grand to the issue of what kind of music itself should be played to huge controversies from the meetings of the general assembly--it tears us apart. call me a hippie, but weren't we supposed to follow Christ's example of showing love and kindness towards everyone, even so-called "sinners" (which would mean everybody)? are we supposed to care so much how we look and how new the carpet in the sanctuary is when Jesus even pointed out that other living things don't even care so much how they look in the morning, yet they are provided for? (my grammy has more faith than me in that area...one of the wisest people i know, honestly)

i know my own morals and convictions and i still stand by them; even if just to maintain my composure at this point, i stand firmly by them. but my faith in doctrines has wavered so much as i can't even see in a straight line anymore.

today, one of the newer programs tended towards the littler ones needed my help in a visual aid. eight young people were to stand in front of the congregation, and then upon hearing the speaker say "seven out of eight youth leave the church before they turn twenty-two", seven of us were to walk out the entrance of the sanctuary.

i wanted to keep on walking.

they went on to say how they needed volunteers for their program, "don't-let-your-child-be-a-statistic" message hanging in the air (that's stretching it, but i found it there). seven out of eight kids will leave the church before they're twenty-two?

1.2 million children are trafficked annually, around the world.
two children per minute are trafficked for sexual exploitation.
there are an estimated 14 million AIDS orphans.
the UN predicts that that number may jump to 25 million by 2010.
nearly three billion people live on less than two dollars a day.
less than 1% of what the world spent every year on weapons was needed to put every child into school by the year 2000.

you tell me what's important.
you tell me who should be allowed inside the pearly gates.
you tell me what matters.

you tell me why it matters.

i believe--i KNOW--he is up there right now.
and he's waiting for us.

-d

Sources:
http://love146.org/
http://www.until.org/
http://www.globalissues.org