it is halfway to one and my first instinct is to keep my senses peeled for that damned insect that flew beneath my door

my second...is to be tired, and listen to that feeling, and act on the sigh my body is heaving and go to sleep.
my third is to think about things, and mull over them for as long as possible.

my eky has moved away from the area in which the sponsorship program was working. thus, she is no longer participating in the program.

it is not as if she died, but i feel a little detached. even after seeing a brilliant musical tonight, i feel distant.
my first thought, bless my heart oh my soul, was who the next child i am to support will be.
my second thought, curse me, was that i had just sent eky's check out that morning.

she shared my birthday, and a childhood love of dolls and drawing. she will be eight this summer.

i am tired. i think the bug flew out my bedroom door when i opened it to make a getaway. but now that i think of it, i don't know why i opened the door--my brother's nifty little zapper-gadget is broken, and it's not like i was going to wake the whole house in order to ease my sleep tonight. so why did i open the door?

i have observed all of my behaviors towards others, particularly those of the opposite sex, in retrospect of these past few months. i have concluded that i have turned into a huge flirt. why is it that i speak so loudly of not wanting attention from a few of you and yet seem to act as though i do? i'm terrible--i hope that nothing has gone too far and that no one else (other than one person i know of for sure) has been misled by my words and actions. i have become a counterpart of you, sir.

i can defend myself and say i did not know what i was doing because none of this has ever occurred to me before, but i would be stretching the truth so thin you could snap it with the mere touch of your finger. i berate myself for this. let me do so; it'll pass soon enough.

why did i let myself become this? was it because i was compensating for not getting the attention i wanted from you in the end? or was it because i realized, after the encounter with you, sir, that i held sway over the attentions of others? or can it even be narrowed down to the base gear in the machine of human nature labeled "jealousy," to make you feel what i felt for such a short time?

and why, when i do not hear the buzzing of an insect's wings, feel it crawling all over my skin?

-d