of this still life

(a rainy day like this)

alone, by myself, the family elsewhere...this was a perfect time for peace
i just laid down on the floor and stared up at the ceiling for a while. i've realized i have moved on in life, like i keep repeating, but i realized i'm stuck.

i'm stuck with enough mentality of a young girl that i'm scared. i'm scared of putting myself out there. i'm scared of stepping away from all i've grown up in, comforted and held, though sometimes at an arm's length, still held...

i'm stuck on a pedastal. i'm not high and mighty, and i don't want to be. but i'm stuck in sleep mode. literally and figuratively. safety, away from everything else, high up in the clouds, but the clouds are beginning to rain...

i'm stuck in transition. i'm in a new environment, not wholly, and in some ways i guess this is ok for me in the long run, i'll be less apt to be in shock when i actually leave the nest. but i'm sure quite how to act, i'm put in entirely different social and mental situations.

i just had the weirdest and worst thought in my life that brought tears to my eyes just thinking about it, and brought dreams of metal and body, of rain and tears, of hospital beds and closed eyes and cold hands.

i think i'll regret putting this thought out there into a virtuality that won't ever know, won't ever care...

i think my greatest fear at this point...if i were to lose any one member of those loved dearly, closest to me, family or friend. the thought i had, it seemed like a vision, because it seemed so realistic, but it surfaced so quickly i hadn't even felt shockwaves of its presence before...i imagined myself somewhere, alone, i got a phone call... my brother had gotten in an accident. i saw, in a wave of color, him lying in a hospital bed, unconcious, being told he was in a coma...

as an actor, it's important to be able to access certain emotions, and if you can harness that power and channel it into the character, amazing results are produced. not being able to control what happened next, which were tears, was frightening. some unknown dam just burst and i couldn't stop crying. it wasn't even real.

i can't imagine how i'd react if something like that were to really happen. would the dam refill and break again, would i release the flood? would the river be dried up, would i be numb? i only know for sure, i'd isolate myself, for however long it took. that's my grieving process. i never wanted anyone to know i was a weak little girl. if i cried, it was locked in my room, buried in my pillow. i don't like to show weakness.

this would break my heart. my brother is my best friend in the world. we aren't that far apart in age, and people sometimes mistake us for twins ( he's as tall as me already), but we're the only two children, i feel close to him, at any rate.

(tears could never flow more freely)

the sky outside is gunmetal gray. my ceiling is the same color from the dim light outside coming in. the colors of my walls, deep sky blue and dark turqoise, seem most suited for this weather. the song is hide and seek. the most haunting and beautiful song of my favorites to date; conveys a sadness i can somewhat relate to, some i have no idea of.