caught

i'm at a point. a sharp point. a point where i don't know who i really am. i am unidentifiable. i try to let what i wear on the outside--my clothes, my expressions, my vocal thoughts--identify who i am. but i'm just putting on a show for everyone else; everyone knows who i am, whether they see through me or not.

but this one year has changed me so much, from every angle: physically; emotionally; mentally; spiritually. and what hurts the most is not that i don't believe in what i used to, but that i'm not sure what i believe in. like i've said before, not knowing scares me. i hate the unknown; i'm sure, at heart, we all fear it. despite the cluttering mess on my desk and nightstand and in my car, i like being organized. i like charting a course. adventures scare me. and if this is a journey of some sort, this is the part where i'm hopelessly lost...i'm waiting for the eureka moment, but so far all i can do is stare at the map in confusion.

i am so lucky to have people who love me enough to tell me so, in so many words, or in so few, or maybe with silence. but ultimately, i have to find my own way.

what went wrong?

i'm losing my grip on religion. i don't feel like organized religion anymore. i've almost had it with money--money spent on new carpet and new stained glass windows along one wall and a new cross at the front of the sanctuary. i'm tired of not knowing what's right and wrong in God's eyes? where is the line drawn, and who is telling me the wrong answers? is there such thing as destiny, fate? do we have our own lives planned ahead of us? is there no way we can escape the storyline? or did God just create us and set us with free will? true free will; we are masters of our own lives--God just watching over us? i know i'm a horrible sinner. how much more "forgiveness" can i ask of this God before He gets tired of me asking and tells me i'm no longer truly faithful?

this is all too much for me. that and my wavering grades in school and my inability to be reliable makes me want to break the stupid mirror i've been looking into every time i decide to "reflect upon myself"--the lights above have been tricking me.

i'm at the edge of a knife. i could fall one way or the other.

so i'll just take one step and...fall forward.