i feel like our friendship, whatever relationship we had, went forward too fast, and because of that, when we meant to go back to the way things were, we are really running backwards. i tend to stumble over myself when i do that, but i can maintain an okay sense of direction. i feel like you're closing your eyes and just wanting to stand still at the beginning. i am fine where we are, but for some reason i get the sense that you aren't. whether you're just resisting against what we did or regretting it or even just trying to forget it for an indifferent reason altogether, i'm not entirely sure anymore. i know what we are both here for, and to focus on that would be key at this point, but there seem to be low-key upsets according to the seismograph, and i worry that the richter scale's ante might be upped, and maybe i worry too much, but give me credit for at least caring, will you? i am fine where we are. maybe you are too, and maybe you're just acting normally and i'm misreading the smoke signals once again; it wouldn't be the first time. it also wouldn't be the first time i'd like to talk about it, and it's definitely not the first time that i'm afraid that something might be said that i don't want to hear. i am fine where we are. i like where we are so far. all things considered, it's not a bad place to be. but i've never been here before; or, at least, i've never been down the kind of road that we took to get here. it's too quiet. too quiet leaves me with that dull drumbeat, that damned thudding organ that just so happens to keep me alive, but might be the death of me at the same time. should i wait until the spotlights dim? should i wait until the dust settles from all the clapping of hands against hands, dead skin cells knocked loose and floating on the air? i am lodged on a steep grade. i can either reach up to the potential handhold above me and risk slipping, or i can stay where i am and eventually let the roots grow around my feet and the vines grow over my limbs till i am only skin and bones and ivy. what happens should you come around to me then, would you admire the memorial? i am fine where we are, and perhaps so fine that you can see around all sides of me at times. i am fine where we are, but i'd really like to know where that is.

-d