i have a fear.

i have a few, actually, and some of them are quite irrational.

but i was letting my eyes wander tonight, and they landed on something that inspired me, and irrationalized me, at the same time.

i am scared of ending up alone.

i shouldn't be so afraid. there are a great many people who love me, and i am so lucky and undeserving of it at times. most of the time.

i shouldn't be fearing this now. i am so young. i have only experienced a tiny bit of what i hope is to come as far as love is concerned, and i am now afraid that this, plus a miniscule bit more, is all i'll ever have. why do i trust the lines on my palms?

there are so many people in my life, who, upon reading this (should they ever stumble over it), would scoff at this. i know there are some in particular who would go as far as to declare their own love, but that's not what i want. i know i sound hypocritical in saying that, but i mean this in all seriousness. no analogies, no metaphors reside here. there is a real, physical lump in my throat and there are real tears and there is a real empty feeling in the bottom of my diaphragm.

i have a heart that's too big, and too reckless. like i've said before, i can care just fine and be alright, but i seem to have trouble loving anyone that i haven't loved since i can remember. there are very few friends who have that true love in my eyes. it's not that past experiences have hardened my heart at all--they've softened it, in any case. i can't help but to love, and i love too hard, and i end up falling too hard.

the guys i've fallen for have disappointed me time and time again, and even at times left me disappointed, in myself, that i chose them. i chalk them down as experiences, but sometimes i wonder if i'll pick the right person. i cry when i think of my mother, when she found out the love in her marriage didn't last. i remember crying one night over one crush, and even though i didn't fully relate the details to her, i remember her catching on, and she told me that yes, it's hard, and it gets lonely. she said nothing after that: it was one of the few times i ever witnessed my mother crying.

my personality is such that i have a hard time letting go. i have a hard time keeping up once i know i've lost. i'm not afraid of rejection, at least not open rejection, i'm afraid of being left alone, left in the lurch. i'm afraid of being destined to love those who will never, fully, honestly, return that love. i am so afraid that i'm shaking, and i shouldn't be, and i know it's completely crazy to think about it when i've got at least another decade to start worrying about some sort of biological clock. but here i am, staring at the thing that pointed out the stark fear in me that i've been afraid to admit.


























all it took to point it out to me was the blank wall in front of me. completely. blank.