irony is cold.

i'm not brave enough right now. i don't want to deal with this.

suck it if you want me to be an adult. can't i let my spirit be weak for once? i'm tired of trying to be strong. i'm tired of trying to build walls umpteen stories high.

i'm tired of money. i'm tired of rejection, in all its forms. i'm tired of letting people down. i'm tired of my legs being as weak as my arms. and therefore, i am tired. period.

what just happened to the faith i defended hours ago? what's wrong with me? what the hell is wrong with me? am i going to wake up again tomorrow and feel like nothing happened? am i going to feel defeated again? five times before the weekend is out? i don't understand what's going on here. i know i need to shape up, but there's enough weighing me down for my spine to crack.

what, in the name of all that is holy, is happening to dear life?

i really just want my weak moment. i will more than likely get back on my feet after that, but can't i just surrender to this for a little bit? i just need an empty field to scream in. no other human within a five-mile radius. dust to kick. then i want to just lay down and curl up and cry. i just need to cry. i need to scream. i can't even do that in my own room, even if my roommate weren't here.

fuck. i need a weak moment. i'm getting there as i write.