maggot heart.

let's be honest.
oh, alright, i'll go first:

i sometimes forget that i'm in a relationship.

it's not that i've done anything to compromise it. on the contrary, i've been faithful; i've never really been in a real relationship before, and i'm not about to screw it up because for once, i couldn't keep my volcanic (once dormant, now awake) hormones in check. i've stayed tried and true--to an extent.

it's all about that old chestnut of never being satisfied, of the greener grass in your neighbor's yard, of wanting what you can't have, etcetera. i wanted a relationship, and the part of me that said yes to him had been subtly taking over control of my common sense since that moment in the car. it was an awkward silence, and it should've stayed that way. instead, everyone's pleased as punch, and i've tied myself about a dozen sunday knots on top of each other to keep the punch spiked. in other words, i did this to myself, i screwed up, it's my fault. blame me if you goddamn want to, because you should, and because i deserve it.

i got back to where i came from, thinking that my changed circumstances would change things. it would be a buffer zone, a barrier of sorts--my shield against...you, and you, and maybe you, although my rudeness and insensitivity drove you away already, r. (if you still read. doubt you do, don't blame you if you don't.) i was using him as a sort of escape, until he fell way too far into it. yes, i'm pretty sure he would say the word if he wasn't so afraid he'd screw it up, which is pointless, because i did that from the get-go.

WHAT THE FUCK, ME. SERIOUSLY.

curse your innate ability to still be thought about and leave an everlasting impression on the brain, even though i haven't seen you at all this year. curse your innate ability to creep back in even though you probably don't mean to, and the fact that we are halfway to three-quarters of the way back to talking like we used to. mister.

curse me for doing this.
i have hurt so many people.

i have hurt one person for an indefinite amount of time (and i do know it this time), and while i completely own up to the fact that i was cranky and sick and irritable and rude and completely out of line, i can't take it back. it was too deep, too sharp, and we can't go back to the way things were because of my mistake. you were just being a good and loyal friend, and i mistook your being a friend for something that i know was there, but that you were trying to wrangle back. i cannot say i'm sorry because it is not enough. i have kept a stiff upper lip this entire time because we've been there before--fighting, and one of us running back to the other, forsaking pride because we knew we were human, and nearly-perpetually apologizing--and while i was okay with admitting that "at least part of it was my fault," i was quick to point out my reasons for baring teeth and turning tail. well here i am, i'm human, and you don't have to forgive me--you have every goddamn right in this world not to--but just know that walls are down again, and should you happen to stand on one side of the tall canyon, i'll be waiting on the other side with planks and rope. no matches. it's your call.

and the longer i keep this waiting, the more i will hurt him. i am so damn afraid of doing this--because of my image? to hell with that. because i will lose a friend i could've kept if i'd kept the silence awkward.

i've never had to do this. i'm in the league of the world's worst procrastinators, and it's about time to skip out on my dues and just say it.

just...damn it all.

i need this break. i'd like to extend it by a week, if i can, please, ladies and gentlemen of the board.

-d