where i lost my lion heart.

"did you even have one?"

"i...can't even remember. i think it's here...somewhere..."

..............

don't call me brave. not now.

i received a message from him. asking what went wrong. he just wants to know.

i'm thinking back to all those times that i had those decisions, decisions to ask unanswered questions, rattling around in my cage of a skull, and not once did i really act upon them. the rattling has subsided, like poker chips that you drop on the floor, settled after spinning mad circles on their outside edges. they're probably sitting, wasted risks, near my medulla oblongata; maybe some have fallen down, playing plastic notes against my ribcage.

the point is, most of the time, those questions went unanswered, and now sit in the pit of my stomach, along with the extreme feelings/emotions (both kinds). i didn't gamble. on the bright side, i probably would've lost--odds like that are the same in life as they are in Vegas.

and he had the audacity to ask what went wrong. finally, but still...

i cried, just now. a little. a few tears semi-successfully blinked away, and look at that--i'm back. am i?

you didn't deserve that. you don't deserve me, you deserve someone different, someone who is in the same place in life and in the same mindset. someone who is a tad more sane; someone who goes to school, like they've been told, instead of someone who plays hooky constantly and puts pennies on the railroad tracks.

but he is right about it being a good memory, at least.

i don't know what's left to say.

i'd like to end it here, and hopefully, the ghost will cross over.

let's keep it that way.

-d