i am sick and tired of trying to meet people's supposed expectations and then having those attempts thrown back in my face.
i am sick and tired of not knowing what to DO for this goddamn department.
but mostly, i am sick and tired of myself. of my apparent incompetence to sew a simple SHIRT. to meet LAB HOURS when i have work conflicts. of my lazy attitude.

and now, i will probably be put on production suspension.

i am sick of myself, and i'm beginning to wonder if the thing i thought i had a passion for is the true bane of my existence. if doing what i want will get me nowhere, or worse, drag me down.

am i not cut out for this? why is everyone else doing so well? is it my own fault? most likely. i just don't get it.

and being jealous when everything somes to come so easily to another certain person doesn't help....they just showed up at the same time as me and have already been accepted into this collective. i've had to work at it, and this person, to me, doesn't appear to be putting in any more effort than i have. i could be wrong, but that's how i see it, SIR.

i am angry and disappointed in myself. i want to leave the program, but i can't, because that will just take me more time to get a fucking degree and more money to do so. I HATE THIS.

I HATE IT.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND SELF-LOATHING THAT I WANT TO THROW SOMETHING AT THE WALL.

or better yet, at YOU. just to tell you how i really feel.