i decided to sigh myself to sleep instead

stupid. stupid. stupid.

plainly put, i'm an idiot.

how could i let that happen? again?? how on GOD'S GREEN EARTH did i not guard myself against those emotions? feelings? whatevers??

i'm an idiot. but thankfully not for long. i'm staying, he's leaving for good, and if it all works out, i won't see him ever again. he's great to dance with, but other than that and a few other tidbits normally served during small talk, that's all i know about him. of him.

blues-bombing the applebee's parking lot (for the the third week in a row, i might add) may have helped me meet my blues quota for the fortnight, but it was a bad idea in hindsight, because it was just us, with the exception of two spectators during the first song. two songs, and i had to face it.

racing like a pro and edge of desire. i mean, that was my blues playlist, but it was the shuffle's doing. or God's. perfect for dancing. had it been another guy, it wouldn't have just been half-perfect. but the other half explained it perfectly, being as it was. i might as well have sung those songs to him myself; every letter seemed to be spelled out.

"i'm scared you'll forget about me."

but hey, i finally fulfilled my small dream of blues dancing to The National; specifically, that song. and i love blues dancing. and he's a great lead. the last one in this town; well, at least, the only one i'll dance with, who'd dance with me.

stupid. STUPID. STUPID.

well, there's the theory working in my favor. and there's the part where he's taken beyond any small, pathetic hope of mine. my mind may give in to my heart more often than i would like to admit, but absolutely NOT where fidelity is concerned. It puts it's callused mental foot down on that one, even on thinking about the subject.

so, strength and heart willing, this'll just be a wonderful little collection of memories filed in the drawers marked "good dancing " and "slight attraction." at best.

slight?

good swing dancing. amazing blues dancing. broad shoulders. long, wonderful hugs. and laughed at a children's movie almost as much as i did, if not more.

DAMN IT ALL.

i have new dance blisters forming on top of last week's.

i kind of hate this.

at least he wasn't you all over again.

-d