the w word

Let's put this body to the test.

Let's put the mind-body connection to the test. I should be ready for this year. Considering that I'm in relatively new territory here, with a place to (sort of) call my own and pay rent for, I shouldn't be like this.

I'm packing. And by that, I mean I'm packing it in.

What am I saving for? For a nuclear armageddon? To hang on to what body fat I retain and to what things, what experiences, I remember? Is that how I'll spend my last days? Huddled in some debris-ridden basement, with a slot for a window, and my leg trapped under some gigantic piece of stone, with no hope for help.

I'm serious. I've been packing it in and on. I've been eating unhealthily again, practicing bad sleeping habits, and procrastinating to no end--letting the daylight burn; forget cigarettes when I can just light an idea and let it burn out and burn my fingers before I even take a breath of it.

I've got so much to want to say to you, and to a few other people as well (okay, maybe only one other person that I can really think of. No, two. Okay, three. Three-and-a-half.). I want to get this over with, but what else can I say? For now, at least.

I was so sure you'd left my offer in the trash, where it belongs. It was almost like I planned it, from any other person's POV; giving you enough time to start tacking things back together, missing a piece, but it all still fit, probably. And then WHOOSH..."I'm sorry. You have every right" blah blah blah. Waaah.

Please tell me it wasn't just because you were busy with life, although that's a good enough reason. Tell me you gave it plenty of thought, because otherwise, this all seems fake. Like there's enough distance between us at this point, physical and emotional, for you to feel safe. Tell me you don't feel comfortable. Tell me you don't feel safe in taking the olive branch, because I sure as hell didn't feel safe when I offered it to you. Nor did I feel at ease when you finally accepted it.

I have so much to tell you, but I'm afraid that it'll end up like the conversations I forced into your ears all those times before. Because honestly, the most exciting things that have happened since then were mostly internal, especially these past few months.

Well, the one a.m. oil is burning, when the wick should never be used; and that's all I can think of for now.

Keep in mind that the next time we see each other, face-to-face, if I can't look you in the eye, it won't be without valiant effort. I might as well keep my head crooked on my neck if I can't own up.

-d