brittle, limp, slack, sloth

I am a weak person.

Weak bones. Weak muscles. Weak faith. Little motivation. Lazy disposition. Weak heart.

I gave in. Just a little bit. But it was almost exactly like last time, except for the guilty groans and the following whispers of "This is a terrible idea." 'Twas indeed.

I was racked with guilt until I called a best friend, who reminded me that there were no strings attaching me to anyone. We will never talk about it, most likely. And it's been decided and guaranteed that it will never happen again.

I'm beginning to wonder if I've been ruined for "relationships" for all time, because even when it's considered as casual as all fuck, I manage to screw something up, whether for myself or the other person. Maybe I'm not meant for 'em.

.............

I'm sick of you flaking at the last minute. I'm sick of the constant asking, the constant pushing, the constant question of "Are we going to...?" I'm sick of not knowing whether or not you're lying about her or not; I'm tired of holding back the jealousy and twisting my body up and over myself in a constant war to not appear posessive or clingy or any of the things she was...is.

I feel like giving up on this shit already, although I don't even know if this is important enough to warrant the term "giving up". It doesn't feel like it's worth any of my mental or emotional energy.

I'm tired of counting on people who always let me down. Who never get back to me, or at least not until the last minute, who never man up. I feel like I haven't found someone to be with who wanted me for me, not just the idea of me, or my body.

Tired of the same old skipping needle. This isn't healthy. This isn't quite what I thought it'd turn out to be.