these are the feelings

Again, here comes the guilt. Rushing in like the melting glaciers cause the rivers to rise in the spring.

Again, for a stupid reason. Now, with two completely different people.

............

I wish I could see him.

I've realized I've become a stereotypical rom-com female character: I don't push people away outright, but I do try to deflect things with humor, so that I don't appear vulnerable. Why? I could compare myself to many a fictional heroine, even many women I've known personally, and say that I shouldn't feel heartbroken when I haven't gone through real heartbreak; my writing ends up sounding like I should be a tween agonizing over the marriage of the lead singer of my favorite band. WAAAH.

Heartbreak exists there, though. I like to say I've faced rejection enough in my life, in many forms, to have gotten used to it; that I don't let it faze me anymore. But I'm not as strong as I thought I was, and so I put on an extra layer of skin and a shirt of chain mail underneath everything else, and a smirk on top of it all, to make sure that nobody else finds out.

So when the man who made me a woman tells me that the fact that I say "I still miss you" makes him smile and makes me blush, all the way from the other side of this unnecessarily vast country, the little internal tap dance that I do loses count. Because blushing is a sign of vulnerability. Well, so is having sex...to an extent...what was I writing about?

I'd love to be able to lower my walls, my defenses, however low and easily breached they can be, for this man. And there is little reason to be paranoid about any attack. But knowing my history too well, and knowing that I tend to ignore it, waiting for...anything...can be just as dangerous.

Hell, I'll just be hands-down honest and an all-out creeper and say I'd love to fall in love. Especially with him. It'd be so easy. But word on the street and the word rattling around my skull and my ribcage is that love isn't easy.

I guess I'll just wait. I've done it before.

Lord, that's what I meant when I said you were dangerous. You put me in danger of falling.