brain gears have definitely switched

My gut's turned itself over, too. Gross.

Of course it would. "The one person I have had no real reservations about"? Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I do! Well, I do now!

God, what is the matter with me? I have nothing to cry about but I feel like crying! WHY CAN'T I ACTUALLY BE NOT INSECURE LIKE I TRY TO PORTRAY MYSELF AS???

I'd like nothing more in the world for you to just hold me. And I can't ask that of you for a billion different reasons (it used to be just one reason).

That metallic, heavy, solid shape that was pulled towards your magnetic self is now quivering with the pressure of having to be held back from being ripped from my body and attaching itself to another body somewhere in San Diego. And that something that's holding, that's pulling, it back from that violent event is something I like to call a fucking waste of space in my brain. Other people call it insecurity.

Why, why, WHY do I worry? I have less at stake here than if we actually agreed to call this the "r" word. The word I haven't really cared about for over a year-and-a-half, now. I have a friend to lose, and there I go again, saying "lose" like I'll actually never see you again!

You ARE trouble. You are SO much more trouble than me, because girls, women, females? These brains are running at a million words per minute. Everything has to be something, even nothing. And I pride myself out loud on not making mountains out of molehills where men are concerned, but I am just as crazy as any other girl. And if we hadn't made the connection we (finally) had, I may not have had this trouble (although, restlessly pining after someone doesn't sound like much fun, either).

But I'm not saying I wish it hadn't happened.

God, why does something hurt?

I think I need a nap. I mean sleep. Sleep is good. Don't care if it's early.