i used to think that crooning meant "singing swan songs"

I don't get it.

I'm not supposed to feel this lonely.

I'm not supposed to have my wants scattered all over the pavement.

I used to want attention, when I was younger. That's why I went through with the one relationship that I've had (that I count) so far. He was willing to give me attention; when I realized I didn't want it from him, and realized that that was all I wanted in the first place, I stopped running with it and set it down.

I still want it. From some others. Why?

Maybe I want to know that I wasn't just some apparition, some cute little New-York-minute fantasy that flitted in and out of the deeper, secretive parts of their lives before they knew what had happened. Maybe I want to know that I'm still thought about. Even fantasized about. Fuck, does that sound selfish, but I do. I've always wanted that. I want that to be true so that I can go on about my life in front of their eyes, as if none of it really bothers me.

Maybe I want to know if I was anything important to them. If I'm still important to them.

So that I can lightly, inadvertently toss it right back in their faces like a gossamer scarf. So that I don't have to be the one to watch them--few though they may be--walk in front of my vision without a care for whose path they're crossing.

I know that I shouldn't care. I can't really say that I "have" someone on the other end of the line who pays me enough attention, who I care about, and who, at least, likes me enough to stay in touch, because that sounds possessive. But sure, there exists such a person in this world, who now is, thankfully, in the same time zone as I am.

Maybe I want to actually show them who I am now. What I have, and what I have with another. How far I've come since they've known me (and yes...in some cases, I mean known).

Selfishly--purely selfishly--I want them to need me, especially when they know I don't need them. Because I don't want to need anyone. Not now, anyway.

............

A few months ago, all the metal pieces of my insides were scattered all over the place. Broken. Fragmented. Reflective little shards, millions of them. I didn't know how to arrange them into any shape, because I didn't even know what the shape of the object was.

You stepped in, and abruptly took my world by surprise with that first kiss. With that, all the pieces started flying in one direction.

There are still some pieces left to be pulled towards you, but damn you if you still aren't a magnet. And here, now, when I'm feeling lonely and pathetic, that shape in me is being pulled in your direction like you wouldn't believe.

And maybe it's just because I'm lonely, but I could certainly use you up here, now. And I wouldn't--don't--want anyone else.