the tentative end

I don't think I've ever been a part of a cast and crew that has embraced the idea of "ensemble" more than the original company of Icarus, and I told them all so last night during warm-ups. That was all I said, fearing that the lump in my throat would manifest itself in the form of tears.

Seattle was wonderful, but it reminded me a bit of him. I haven't really missed him until now.

The sad news is that one of our cast members notified everyone today that he had to leave the university due to academic reasons. He's been an awesome addition and a good friend and I will be sad to see him go.

The bad news is that you are terrible. I hate you. You and your fucking nose and your eyes and your goddamn sense of humor. Fuck you. I'm going to try to ignore the fact that you are in two out of three of my classes. We can't be any more than friends, because A) I'm sure you wouldn't want anything more with me, and B) we're fucking graduating in June, and BLEEEEH.

I am a great deal more cynical and jaded when it comes to these kinds of feelings than I was before he stepped out. The walls are thicker, higher. I am damaged. Not that I'm saying that I have problems that are, in the grand scheme of things, worse than yours, but that I do not trust anyone beyond those I actually love. If I had minor trust issues before, you can be sure they are major issues now. You wouldn't want me because I am way different than what you really want, I'm sure. I'm never what anybody wants, at least for the long run.

Just...just be my friend. I'll work my way through this.