for a lion's jaw

I just want to be strong for you

to be your height if not slightly taller

be able to lift you at least a few inches off the ground in a happy embrace

hold you in my arms, lead and glide you all across a dance floor and into a dip with no fear

be better at fixing things,

at making things

with my hands

Defend you with my body when you need another energy beside you

Encircle you when you need someone else's wings

...to do all things you'd desire of a man, for you.

"O that I were a man" etc etc—

the first time in my life i have wished for the strength we know as, we hope is, a man—

but not the first time i have wished for muscle in these arms,

for strength in these legs,

for a sure grip in these hands.

I will never know if i could have had that

but if i had been grown naturally like my brother, i might have had the potential for a body that could endure.

I never had that chance.

I have known myself and been known to be

delicate

petite

fragile

Breakable

i see myself, useless.

I have tried to correct it, but glass infuses every bone and tendon—

covered o'er me like a quilt of pastels—

and i am wrecked. i am a wreck.

i am small. i am too small to function, let alone to champion.

I don't even know what you truly want,

and I don't want to fall into the trap of a binary groove,

but I just want to be strong for you.

I want to be some of your strength, as you have been some of mine,

so that I can learn how to lift myself up and out of hell

and lift you off the ground at the same time,

in the same life,

even if only by a few inches.