all the milligrams in the world

yesterday's anger is gone. melted away in a warm house with pizza and improper character jokes. plus new boots, which did mini-tap-dances and sometimes stomped on the hardwood floor when something was too funny and i had no intention of rising from the couch every time to dance entirely. 

we ended up reading through the whole script, and i didn't get home until around eleven. mother was miffed, had called while i was on the way back. apology was made, but i still went to bed happy and tired.

plus...i won't go into that.

oh, and aside from that, i found that the person i'm infatuated with is a man. not a guy this time. he behaves like one, and it's what i consider him, and it's better than the usual falling-to-the-pavement-in-supposed-love situation that i trip-wire myself into. knowing me, i'll end up disappointed with this one way or another. sorry, self, for being so pessimistic, but i'm not going to have blinders put on and my vision clouded with the fog that surrounded all previous attentions. they're all wandering somewhere in that fog right now, and i don't want to stumble into one of them. that would be awkward, especially if it were you . 

so do me a favor, kind sir, and just let me know right now. because that would make it a clean break and save me the pain of having a few splinters of bone still attached, unbroken. much like my brother's broken arm years ago. the best way to be kind is to be brutally honest, i mean it. it will hurt less, and i'll be the wiser.

..................

and to a different sir, what hint do i have to drop for you to get it? do not cling to me. although you share some of the same sense of humor as i do, not all of it is shared, and it's that which disgusts me. that, and the fact that you think i'm interested. i'm not.

i'm afraid if i tell you i don't like you and don't want to pursue anything with you, you'll cling more. but i'm afraid the same will happen if i just ignore you. so hear me now--you equal a colleague and fellow actor to me, R. i'm dead serious. please.

..................

i wonder the previously mentioned sir will give me a taste of my own medicine.

"Honesty. All the milligrams in the world. For headaches, heartaches, clearing the air to breathe, etc. Take as needed. Exceed dosage as much as you like, if you want to see what happens."

-d