and don't hang this bell outside, the other one was stolen

this is what it looked like outside today; i left the sliding glass door open all afternoon. and that is what i look like today. my freckles are beginning to show.

every time i scroll through my pictures as fast as a flipbook, i seem to stop on a picture of you, and not on purpose, i assure you. i don't know, but all of a sudden i am again at peace. as if i don't care whether the lever falls to one side or the other, so long as it doesn't find a balance point on the fulcrum and get stuck there. which, according to me, is where we are; although you might've already found the seesaw boring and stepped off. i may just be in slow motion.

the sun must be doing something to me; my system is re-calibrating itself after a shock from the overflow of vitamin d.
of course i want it to end in my favor. selfish, yes it is ("look at how selfish she is, she won't give us any of her lips"). it would be a little melancholy to lose you. at the same time, i think whatever "heartbreak" occurs from it will be as short-lived as new leaves, even though spring is supposedly that magical time for rebirth. which sets my thoughts off course as i ask myself, "where was my rebirthday in the fall, when it was supposed to be?" and i remember that i was too busy regathering things like old polaroids and remembering, perhaps too much. i was reliving. i need to rethink this.

i am here to collect and conquer, but quietly so.

-d