newton and murphy've got it out for me, they keep lobbing apples from the tree they're sitting in

there is another out-of-the-way measure i can take to ensure that i graduate this spring instead of this summer. i am just so disappointed in myself for letting that happen.

as well as another thing. you meant not to put me on the spot, mister, but you did, even if you meant it to be discreet. what i'm afraid of is my fight-or-flight is telling me there's no reason to fight, so i should take flight. i do care about you, and i have great respect for you, and i enjoy our conversations, but i can't force that friendship to be anything more with you without going against my natural feelings.

and now natural instincts are slowly growing back on me; they'll soon envelope me like a turtle's shell. i'm drawing within myself, and you know what might happen next because i've told you of similar situations: i retreat. i withdraw. i avoid. i am a coward in a lion's mane; this is the one type of confrontation i still cannot help but deter myself away from because it has only occurred twice in my entire life. i am a hypocrite: i will now scold you for actually not putting me on the spot, because it would've forced me into bravery and it would've forced me to be upfront and honest. but instead i send my reply in another passive-aggressive manner.

i honestly don't know how i could be friends with you again knowing how you feel about me. i know we could work something out, but the two-ton elephant trumpets when it's being ignored. nobody puts Elephant in the corner.

please. i know that you understand how conflicted i already am about my feelings for someone else, and how to deal with the feelings of yet another that are directed towards me, if any at this point. i can't deal with this right now

because if i try to any further, i'll never come out of that shell. the lion may as well shed its mane and reveal itself for the worthless, spineless cat it is. the lion will then move to canada and adapt to the cold climate, if only in order to hibernate.

-d