it is, at this point, impossible to chronologically organize everything that has happened to me in minnesota and since in that squeaky filing cabinet i call a brain (it's not squeaky because it's clean, either). so i'm writing whatever happens to float by my firecracker neurons and call itself a memory.
family reunions are fun, especially when you only met the people when you were a baby and too young to remember anything and yet they hug you and smile and insist that you have seconds. i met my third cousins, who both share my year of birth, and went on a driving tour in the rain to see the first house my grandmother lived in when she brought my dad home from the hospital.
my brother and i spent good, quality, bonding time with my father over shrieking laughs in the car and singing out whatever signs we read while driving and camping and the pièce de résistance of splitting two huge steaks at the original wolf lodge inn (my father was in man heaven at that point. i just managed not to throw it all up...i ate quite a lot...). i have come to appreciate my family more and more, and could not be more thankful.
i finally turned in my two weeks' notice at work on friday. (the angel's trump resounds.) i can only hope that he'll respect my plan to work my last day on the fourth--i have a visit to my grandparents, and plenty of packing and goodbyes, to put into action, and i can't waste my time on the fifth when katie and erin are still going through the dance movie marathon. and packing, right, all that too.
my mother emailed me my future housing details, and i found out that my roommate and i will have a bathroom all to ourselves. praise the lord and pass the toothpaste; but the liner for the shower curtain cost eight bones more than the actual curtain. i also broke bank on another expansion of wardrobe today, but i'm going with simple but savvy--i can't afford urban outfitters and modcloth so much these days.
we've been watching, and re-watching, a lot of big bang theory. the funny never gets old. jim parsons is the work of a god with a great sense of humor, and an appreciation for good acting.
and my mother is now on facebook, so i guess that makes it okay. it has been a weird almost-week.
.......
during the actual journey there (and back again), i listened to a lot of music, saw a lot of weather, and wrote quite a bit. i'd gotten a journal for my birthday from a friend, and i used it for free-writing. (and yet, even my thoughts are censored...it's like watching a bad teen movie, but the kind with about two bad words in the entire script...DISNEY! that's right...) and when i look back on it, i realized how useful it was for getting things out--and keeping them out.
in the time since i've arrived home (which has only been five, almost six, days), i've felt more confused about some things and more decided about others. the following consists of unmeasured thoughts i've had about some of the people in my life.
uno. i will never say yes to you. i am tired and frustrated of you not being able to see that. i'd thought that the more i'd try to, albeit indirectly, drive the point home, the more you'd realize what i was saying and the sooner you would put yourself through a grieving process that i, myself, am all too familiar with. you have not realized anything. in fact, the measures you are on the verge of running away with are so drastic, that they make me feel even more horrible: there's just no way i can get away from you, and if you continue after me, you are going to wake up and hit your head on the ceiling of your car and finally realize it, and then where will you be? you are a ghost rider; you are pursuing something you will never catch. i will never be able to force myself to feel anything more than friendship where you are concerned, although at this point, even that is slowly waning. i am tired of people telling me that you are cute, because those that do think it's some sort of cute, unrequited-teenage-puppy-love sort of matter, but i am the one who's been on the side of the glass you're standing on, and one too many times, and i am telling you to move on to the next exhibit, because this taxidermy job is not going to walk and talk for you. and if i have to tell you in person again, i am going to scream and come off as heartless and cruel, but i am that frustrated with you. i don't know what else to say.
due. i don't know what to say here, either. i think that you made it a bit too dramatic, and pinned me as the heroine and you had done all wrong. in reality, i was the one who called you out, made a show of it, and marched off, burnt matches in my wake. do not assume that i do not feel terrible--do not deny me the lifting of this weight off of my struggling shoulders, because you were not the only person who did something wrong. however, i want to thank you for that talk we had last night. i swear i cried and i was listening to the perfect music at the time and it moved me to cleansing. i woke up refreshed. i thought about him and didn't curl, didn't blush--until later this past evening. i suppose that this will be a longer process than i once thought, but given that i've postponed it for this long, it will be all the more welcome. i am the only one who can do this, and i can't wait. thank you.
tre. i am scared of you, in a way. i've never really met you before, or since that brief exchange the night of my birthday. i do and do not want this date to happen. you definitely do. it's just that i've never gone through such a seemingly disconnected process, because i am used to knowing the person for some time before ever considering a date with him. i honestly just want wednesday night to happen and be over with, so i know about you, and him as well.
quattro. i thought about you and didn't curl, didn't blush--until later this past evening. all of my free-writing in that journal has to do with you. i let myself be tormented by the thought of you. i convinced myself a million times that the reason my heart kept resting on you was because i loved you--because i believe unconditional love to be a love that someone feels for someone else regardless of faults and vices, and i believed that i knew you well enough to still feel so strongly an affection for you, despite the qualities that make up your person that i find less than tasteful. and believe me, for as many times as i convinced myself that this theory held true, there were an equal amount of times where my sensibility debunked (and tried to debunk) this nonsense. you and your geekiness, your wit, your charm, your looks, your fucking plaid pants--why i think no one else looks as good in those as you do, i'll never know--it was all attraction, and maybe a little bit more, but not much. i considered bringing him wednesday night to see your reaction, and sadly, it's still one of the main reasons (one of the prominent ones is, now, a newly adopted safety-in-numbers-and-comfortable-places policy, seeing as how i now somehow subconsciously persuade guys to ask for my number). i am still bothered by the constant query (do you? don't you? out with it, man!), but it doesn't haunt me as much as merely puzzle me. i am truly hoping that wednesday night will answer a good deal of questions, and not just mine. i feel horrible for using him to these ends, but maybe we'll actually have a good time--he may be as smooth as you, but for some reason, i'm inclined to think that i'd be more immune to his charms than yours...you conditioned me to your manner and your personality, and i barely know him at all. i am anxious to find out, and i secretly want to put you through all the torment that i put myself through over you--see how it feels to be knocked off your feet for a change; once you misstep, the entire dance changes.
the only thing to do now is hunker the planning part of myself in the branches of a pine tree (and believe me, it usually likes to nest there; doesn't get out much) and just let things happen. in other words, i wait and see. and try to do the charleston on a twig of a branch. they might notice if it starts raining pine needles...
-d
Sunday Secrets
6 days ago
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