numb as the effects of the temperature outside.

a car pulled out of the parking lot; the cracking of ice beneath its tires sounded like cheap fireworks on independence day, minus the whistling.

i sat in the car as my dad was filling the gas tank. it was cold, but i'd just had dinner and dessert and was slightly content enough to bear with it.

i thought back to about six hours earlier when he picked me up to go to work. i remember him asking if everything was okay, just making casual conversation, and i said the word fine. all he had to do was stare for a few seconds before i just melted.

i didn't make any callbacks. any. callbacks. and that's it for the rest of the year, there's nothing else. not seeing my name on any of the lists set loose a few runaway trains on the tracks of my mind. doubts have that snowball effect on your confidence, always, i don't care who you are. my friend was sick and he made it. a girl who was more afraid to sing in front of people than i was made it.

i began to have doubts. doubts about why i was here. doubts as to whether i'm cut out for theatre. doubts about my money situation. doubts about my lack of any romance, any arms to wrap around me.

after my very first audition in this program (which was horrible), i started reviewing my history as a performer. sure, i loved acting, but why did i pick that? i love writing, i love music, why not either of those? because out of all the things i've been "good" at, i was "great" at acting. i was slightly above average in any other area, but i excelled at theatre. looking back, however, i realized that i had it fairly easy. in high school, although there was no doubt that the musical leads would always go to the choir kids, people often remarked that i was one of the best actors in the school. at community college, where the program was even smaller, i was hailed as a "brilliant performer," and revered as, sadly enough now that i think about it, a golden girl (and not in the bea arthur sense, thank god). i arrive here and of course, i was expecting it to be difficult, don't get me wrong--but it made me wonder about whose past praise i should've taken seriously.

those little flakes rolled down the hill and gathered up more. how was i going to make enough money to pay for all the extra stuff i needed for classes this quarter? my time will be taken up by research for some of those classes and physical practice for others, and if i work on the crew of one of the productions...the next hill was freshly powdered with painful memories. memories that hold the most sting and the most...doubt...for me. ever. those doubts about ever finding the right person have now been hidden under layers of doubts of whether i will find anyone half-, or even remotely, right for me. i fall for the wrong ones, and the right ones want nothing to do with me. i have a sneaking suspicion that i'm doing something wrong, but i realize that all i did was "be myself"--where has that gotten me? which brings it full circle back to theatre...

it's not time to give up...yet. but today i just felt like laying down and staying there for years. i could've cried enough to take a shower. i wish i could just relax tonight...but i have an assignment due for 270 tomorrow. i'll just keep over-using ellipses, because that's how tonight's going to end...uncertain...

i need more wallow time. i just do. the weekend can't come any faster.