"tell yourself that you're Batman. the ganging up part will make more sense. you might feel better."

apparently, i'm not the only who feels like life is all splattery and Pollack-esque these days. i'll do my best.

spring has definitely set in, and perhaps too comfortably so. the highs are in the seventies ("didn't we see snow, like, a week-and-a-half ago?"), the sun is mostly out, the clouds smell like fresh rain, the breezes are light and perfect, and every time i walk out the back door of my building, i can smell the cherry blossoms, whether the fragrance is wafting on the wind or floating in the still, sun-soaked air.

it is amidst the peacefulness of this and the beckoning of warmer times that classwork is, frighteningly enough, beginning to lose its grip on my interest; things are colliding haphazardly to, oddly enough, the muffled but harsh sound of boxing gloves against punching bags; and it was in the beginning of this wonderful, lazy chaos that i stayed inside one early evening and came across some filmage that frightened me out of my wits because it was wonderfully crafted for such young years.

there is this rolling, morphing, glowing piece of energy somewhere at the bottom of my ribcage that has gone so far as to fire all the favorable kind of neurons towards my brain and into my dream sequences. it's scary to think how little i know of this person, how little i saw of him in person, and yet be held still at the thought of his hand touching my face. i hardly know him. and i obviously would like to change that. but there is almost nothing i can do except wait, and for what, exactly, i don't know.

this is the kind of feeling that possesses my limbs, and while it doesn't exactly direct their movements, i feel like lightbeams could shoot out from my fingers and toes at any moment. this is not what i felt three-some months ago, sadly enough (and it is what i should have checked for before i said "yes").

it scares me, quite a bit, but things can only remain calm for now.

-d