hi again, obadiah

Another quarter done (almost...). Another small era. Another small toast...with my cup of water in my right hand. A full eleven weeks of struggle, of happiness, of anger, of meltdowns and build-ups. Of discoveries and rediscoveries, of revelations and reminders.

My room became another disaster area from around the week after Thanksgiving. Inspired by my friends Carl and Jessica, I channelled my mom's inner voice and motivation and some minor feng-shui-obsessive feelings of my own, cleared my floor, nearly finished my laundry (I'll have to wait until later this morning to finish it because the machines are downstairs near my roommate's room), and moved a bookshelf, a chair, a small filing cabinet, and my own bed around. It looks better, especially after taking down the blue christmas lights that I thought looked cool strung above my bed in sort of a half-assed spiderweb.

And now, to my surprise, after a call from my father woke me up at one in the afternoon, I will be leaving for home almost three whole days earlier than I had originally intended (thanks to his driving me). I am excited for more than ten reasons. Especially one in particular...it seems kind of creepy for me to be excited, but I've never done it. It'll be interesting to see if it works out.

On a different, but not entirely unrelated (and not entirely sane) note, I've never really believed in love at first sight. Never. I still don't. What happens at first sight is attraction, and maybe, all at once, infatuation. But not love, or not true love, at least, not my idea of it. It's scary, though, to see someone for the first time, and not even really talk to them, and to think about them for such a long time, because what can happen feels like love. Feels like you can predict the future. And I worried about myself there for a long time, because to me, in the practical nodes of my brain, that means obsession. Anyone who knows me and knows what's happened between me and a few certain people, knows that I hate when one person is obsessed with the other. That can end up with the other on a pedastal, or on a runaway train, and Lord knows we're too scared to jump off either one, but we don't want to stay on, and so we're stuck. Maybe that can be chalked down to that I don't want to get close to anyone, but that's not entirely true--I know who I want close to me and who I want kept at a distance. But nothing ever seems stable, and people in my life never stay put.

Sighing. I just want one thing, in this area of my life, to work out. For once.

I got drunk with my friends last Saturday, for the first time. I mean, truly drunk. Not completely wasted to the point of throwing up and blacking out, because I do remember snippets of what I said and did. I do remember all of a sudden just bursting into tears in two of my friends' arms because I'd had too much of the half-punch and apparently, "It's all just so h-harrrrd!!" I remember crashing at the house we were holding the festivities at in the same bed as one of my new friends, sobering up a little more, and she told me that yes, it was hard. She had to go through a bunch of rotten people and rotten relationships to get where she was now (and if either of you happen to be reading this, you better propose to her before the year is up. I'm serious. I want to go to your wedding soon, because I'm still on the fence about whether the 2012 apocalypse is really going to happen or not.). Point--I haven't gone through many rotten relationships, and not many rotten people, either, except for he-that-is-called-the-pig. I don't really regret any of them...yet.

I just want this apple, so badly, to be the good one I pick and never let go. That sounds so strange coming from me, who hasn't experienced much of the real world yet, who is so young, and who wants to do so much before even thinking of settling down, but sometimes the tree of life bears those weird hybrid-fruits that you never expected to see, but look delicious and are perfectly healthy and pesticide-free.

Sighing, again. I need at least four hours of sleep.

I'm halfway packed, I'm very excited, I'm still very, very poor, and I will lay my head down below the London skyline tonight.

Note to self: don't forget to take the apples from the drawer in the fridge with me.