all while preventing gingivitis and clearing my skin like nobody's business

I'm home for the time being.

The view out my window looks like it belongs in a DSLR-shot movie. The light hits the leaves on the tree just right as they bend and bow and sway in the breezes that have been accompanying the strange early summer weather, and the skies beyond have been getting less cloudy and more blue by the day. The shadows that form on the Cascadian foothills make the view look like a painting. It's almost too beautiful.

And then a mile down the main stretch is when it hits me: this city has changed. Especially on this side of the river.

I had no intention of wearing a hipster label, or any label really, but in the three years I've lived away from here, I've realized that while it's nice to be home, I don't think I could abide to live in this town for more than the few months I'm planning on doing so, although plans change, as I'm more than well aware these days. As nice as it will be to have a home base at which rendezvous every now and again, this place has less of a hold on me than it did at the beginning of my university years. I'm homesick, but not for the rest of the place.

The problem is, I don't know where to go from here. I keep looking, though.

................

I had two somewhat unnerving dreams yesterday morning. They both included two different men kissing me. What's unfortunate is that neither of them were the man that sort of has the right call himself my boyfriend right now.

I'm a terrible person.

In the first dream, he came to my house. What ended up happening was a fantasy I didn't want--the "he'll-come-crawling-back-to-me" dream--in my anger after the severance, I thought I erased all feelings of affection for him. Today I saw a picture of him and my heart lept lightly, and promptly let itself sink down to my intestines in punishment. Those arms--I'd forgotten how much I liked those arms. Damn. Oh well.

In the second dream, I was in a place that probably doesn't exist, and in the middle of this one we ended up sitting cross-legged, knees touching, foreheads together; you put your left hand up to touch my face and kissed me, and when we pulled away, I was looking at you but I wasn't, you were in the corner of my left eye and you were looking at me but beyond me. You told me I was beautiful. Even in my dream-self mind, the real me thought, "Huh, that's not something I'd expect to hear from you."

I'm a terrible person.

This is happening again, just like it did with Brady, and I don't want it to. Because I actually like this guy and care about him, but perhaps not enough. It was my fault for saying "I think I'm ready" a week before we both moved back to our respective hometowns. Distance does this, and I think I'm beginning to understand why...well, let's just say, after this, if this doesn't end up working, I will be more hesitant to form a relationship that I know will be separated by distance, for the most part.

Ugh.

I'm a terrible person. Honest, but sometimes just absolutely terrible.

................

My music tastes have definitely drifted more towards the electronic these days. I blame Tom Hiddleston for posting M83's "Midnight City" as one of his Songs of the Day. Although he also likes The National. It is NOT FAIR--no one is allowed to be that talented, that handsome, that funny, that nerdy, that British, AND have an awesome taste in music. Nope. Not cool.

................

We'll see what happens. I just hope I don't screw anything up too badly.

I also hope that I produce better writing, rather than just jotting things down or rambling like this.

I should keep a journal on my nightstand. The best things pop into my head at night.