it's been a long time since i've been offered an olive branch

I read your message. Then I read it again. Then I read bits of it.

Then I stared at it, not quite reading it. Then I stared past it.

I should just take it. I'm not petty. I don't have the grip on this grudge that I used to have. I want to forgive. I so want to forgive.

I'm afraid of forgiving too quickly, though. Is there such a thing?

I am not weak. I am a lion. I am a wolf. I am a small beast with burdens and stronger legs. My teeth aren't that sharp, but my shoulder can wither and freeze you with one turn.

I should just take it.

Is this some kind of...I don't know what you'd call it...but you know when people who've wronged you and others go to bible study or AA or something and then write those letters? The ones to all those people they've wronged, asking for forgiveness?

Should it matter?

Yes and no. To me.

No, it shouldn't, because it's still a request for forgiveness.

Yes, because I still am not special.

Oh my God, am I really that juvenile?

I was not expecting this. At all. Honestly.

I think that's why I'm hesitant. Everything's come full circle, hasn't it? You certainly weren't the worst man to break my heart, although the severance you executed was perhaps the hardest to cope with, but the cap on all of the bottled anger that I've been filling since my younger, more naïve years couldn't stay screwed on, and you got the full force of the explosion. You weren't the first man to hurt me, but you just happened to be the straw that broke my back.

But now, you are the first one to come forward and own up to it. A letter of apology. An offer of peace. A truce between friends. And a clean slate to go along with, I'm guessing.

What's sad is that because of you, I scrutinize the shit out of things, and take everything with too many grains of salt. I am too wary. I am less trustworthy, or maybe less easily swayed. Jaded.

I shouldn't make such a big deal of it and just accept it. But for some reason, I kind of want to savor it. And more than anything, think about it.














I will give it some time. Not too much, but some.