when the sphere gets shook, but i had an inkling it might, anyway. i never listen to those inklings.

I don't need this again.

The last time a friend of mine told me he had feelings for me, I lashed out. I didn't want it, and I didn't want to remain friends with him because I would always know what was below the surface, behind every sentence spoken to me; a vague idea of the person he'd see whenever I'd catch him just looking at me. And beneath those wore simpler feelings--baser feelings--things that made me squirm and I wanted to shout at his face "WHY DID YOU RUIN THIS FRIENDSHIP!" but I couldn't because he was miles away and his message had been delivered via another person.

Years later, all the wrinkles have finally been ironed out, and we are at a good place right now. Yeah, good.

But I don't need this again.

It makes it worse when I know you have someone to go home to.

Why do I dislike this situation?

Because it's wrong, for one thing. Not wrong necessarily in being what it is, I guess, but were it ever acted upon...just...wrong.

I don't want you.

I don't want you to like me in that way.

How am I supposed to be your friend when all I'll be wondering when I look at you is what thoughts are going on behind your eyes when you look at me? What ulterior motives spurn you to try to get close to me?

I know guys, I know men. I know well enough what you think about constantly. There are those of you I am disgusted by for that, and there are others for whom I am thankful for that. You are more the former.

You are a nice person. A great, kind person. But isn't it enough for you that you have someone to love, who loves you, to be with for the rest of your life?

If I am in your fantasies, kick me out. If you are tempted to touch me on the shoulder or the elbow again, stop yourself. Please. Make this easy for both of us.

And as for your rival, I really don't care enough to be completely disappointed that he's already taken. He's not even my type.

God, I am pathetic.





Right now would be a good time to go into hibernation, but if I want to do Icarus again...yeesh.