taking a break from waxing poetic (mostly) because this is a weighty issue for me and i just need to write it down

I don't want children.

Every woman in my family, or close to my family, keeps saying "When [I] have kids..." "No, you don't want them now, of course, but you'll want them someday..."

I asked my mother if she wanted grandchildren, and she said of course; she doesn't have much hope for either of her kids to get married and start procreating any time within the next decade, though.

The only reason I would ever have my own children is if I felt sorry enough for my mother, and if my brother (and whoever his future wife/partner is) decides not to have any, either.

Maybe I'm at the time in my life when I'm striving for independence, and my goals and dreams (however lofty some of them may be), and that could be because I'm almost chomping at the bit to get out of here and be on my own. I've got too much I want to do. Maybe, later in life, my biological clock's alarm will start blaring, devoid of a snooze button.

But I've never felt natural around kids. I suppose I need to get used to the idea of dealing with them for my summer job, but what if that's all I can handle?

I haven't the heart to tell either of my parents this. Which is great, because I haven't the heart to tell them I'm agnostic, either.

Either my heart is missing, or it's too full and heavy. That might explain the clunking sound I hear in my ribs whenever she mentions my future like it's all already spelled out for me.