it just feels like a High Violet kind of night, doesn't it? and i have to see the kids tomorrow

God, I'm such a selfish, shitty person.

My friend and his wife are separated, and possibly getting a divorce, and the only thing I can do when he wants to talk to me is push him away.

Yes, I hate divorce. I take it fucking seriously.

But there's a worse, personal reason: I'm afraid of his feelings for me. If they're actually the feelings everyone in observation thinks they are, if they are what I think they are.

And it would be a bad thing for me to get in the middle of this, but all I can do is freak out that now he wants me and I'm pushing

pushing

PUUSSSHHHIING

him away

It's happening again. You should know what I'm talking about. I did it to you more than once.

I just don't

I'm not going to compromise a relationship just because I might need a friend to talk to

and I wouldn't jump in the water, even if it was clear. It's not like that. I don't want him.

No.

Nonono.

I am really fucking good at pushing people away. The funny thing is, it's still hard, because I have to push myself--I have to push out the ugly side of myself to do it.

Goddammit. Looks like another tired, dark-shadow-eyed Monday morning for me.