here's what i think, and this is big.

This is big. For me.

How many of the six or seven people that 'follow' this blog actually read it? No matter.

Yeah, yeah, I know Ellen Page just did it, but god did that ever give me the last ounces of courage that I needed to start this:

Dear Portion of the Internet/Small Number of Friends that Read This Blog,

I am coming out.

I've been trying to figure out for the past few months what my orientation is, because now that I know more of this world and the people that live in it and who they are, I know that nothing can fit into a neat little box and be called good. Cardboard falls away in shreds against my claws.

For the past couple of years, I've realized that my sexuality is not a one-way street. Rather, it's almost one of those weird highway on/off-ramp swirly things. Not too complicated, but complicated enough that I didn't know which signs to read.

But I think I've figured it out. (For now.) It may fall apart and come back together as something else--a broken vase, shattered, glued back together, but not in the same shape, nor with the same colors--if any one encounter proves me wrong, or proves me just formerly timid. I don't know.

I am biromantic heterosexual.

(Repeat after me, kids...)

Thanks to the author of this lovely post, I've come to the conclusion (for now) that this is the best way to describe my orientation. Being biromantic heterosexual means that I am 'romantically' (not to be confused with 'sexually,' as our modern society is still wont to do) attracted to those who identify as men and those who identify as women, but only sexually attracted to those who identify as men. I have a sex drive, yes (GASP. Don't tell my mother), but while all of my purely sexual encounters have involved men, I have found myself staring at a few women, little butterflies in my stomach; espcially at one particular woman lately--she is beautiful, seriously--however, I have not felt any inclination to engage in any sexual activity with any of these women.

Are you uncomfortable? If you are, I'm sorry, because we as a society need to get out of this two-track, sex = romance mindset.

I am coming out here because this is a relatively safe and sheltered space. I will come out to my other friends, and whoever my romantic and/or sexual partners are in the future, when I feel like they need to know, or when the time comes that I feel safe and supported by them.

I may not come out to my family members for a long, long time, and even if I do, I'm not sure how supportive they'd be--especially if something else happens that makes me realize that my orientation is, once again, not what I thought it was. Those of you who know my parents, know that I may never come out to my mother. If she decided that having someone like me in her life was a disgrace and disowned me for it, I don't know what I'd do. I love my family dearly, and would die for any one of them, but I'm asking all of you (all 3-7 of you), please:

Keep this to yourselves. If you feel like, for some reason, you should share this information with someone else, please ask for my permission first.

This is big. For me.

And this is the first step.