day 19: shoulderblade sea cat, or trying, or something else

There is the smell of the river / and there are the hills / and there is a paved trail I could walk / There is a shell called the Shoulderblade Sea Cat / and all I see is the stupidly hilarious picture you could cobble together in photoshop / even though I see a powerful whale / There are people who use things to escape thoughts of people they used to love to think about but now want to forget / If I tried to use any of those things to throw these thoughts of you out the window / any of these distractions / if I tried to watch movies I loved / my mind would find a way to re-work the plot / or the theme / or one of the characters / about you / If I tried to read a book / I'd imagine the way I'd look to you curled up in one of my grandparents' old barrel chairs / reading a book / If I tried sleeping with anyone else / I wouldn't finish / because not only would I be thinking of your face / trying to hear your voice / I'd imagine the look on your face as if you were watching / and I know that's strange / but listen / If I tried to listen to any music / and go for a walk or / run / any thing that / any song was / about / would morph into our story / and I'd keep waiting to be surprised / by you suddenly coming up behind me / and whispering into my ear all low / and trying to wrap your arms around my waist / but finding yourself too tall for that / and choosing my shoulders instead / I'd picture you burying your nose in my hair / trying to smell my shampoo / trying / I'd feel your inhaling breath / you slow me down / you stop me dead in my tracks and / i can't / i can't / i white-girl can't / I hope you have not forgotten what I look like / in the three months since you talked to me for five minutes / and the year+ / you drove me around / on freeways for minutes / and bought me beer I didn't drink because I was either too busy talking or listening to you talk or laughing or trying to make you laugh / I hope you have not forgotten what I looked like then / I have let myself go since then / and I feel better / and the only thing reining me back slightly is / the visions of you walking through the doorway / of wherever I am / wherever I am / there it is / the thought of you / and I'm trying / god I'm trying / to keep it cool / god I am not cool / I am cold-blooded but / you-saturated thoughts make me shed my scales / i just / i can't / with you / There are seashells with fantastic names / and there are whales and whale sharks / and I can't even think of the ocean / because you couldn't smell it like I could / you / you / i / you /

-Dana Winter