day 28: in the good news and the bad

You were the sleep that I spent ten minutes rubbing out of my tear ducts this morning in vain attempts to get out of bed.
You were the rocky start.
You were in the reflection that showed me unwashed hair and red acne and faint freckles.
You were in the fourth, never occupied-chair at our table at breakfast, since my brother usually occupies the third whenever he's home.
You were in the blips of radio silence as my mother and I listened to the weather and news over her coffee and book and my cereal.
You were in the exultation of the high seven-twenty-five sun as I powered over to the school.
You were lingering in the breaths of tired sighs from teachers on a Monday morning.
I saw your name in the subject line of the one email I received today.
I ate lunch with you in silence while reading the 2013 Humana Festival collection.
You were in Oscar's hyperactive smile and Savannah's giggles, even though neither of us want children.
You were

I know that you aren't looking to drop anchor anywhere right now.
I'm not either. Really. At least, that's what I know is good for me, for the forseeable future.

But today I dropped off a package in the wrong dropbox,
bought a belated birthday card for a woman who's like a second mother to me,
and heard that someone I know was arrested for verbally and physically abusing his two-month old son;

And I know I don't want children,
And I know I want New York and Louisville,
And I know I love my mother,
And I know the sky today caused irreparable damage to my heartstrings because it was so blue,

And I know we really barely know each other but
Please--

For the first time since I recognized
the bloom that bloomed in my cavity of a torso
when I met you--

That blue sky
those clouds
that sun heat
standing on Saddle Rock
a scream that tears my throat
a beat, a pause--

I want
these arms to fold
around this torso
and collapse against your chest

I want to be
free enough
to cry against your shirt

and I want those turnstall arms
and I want your hand on the back of my head

I want your protection.
I want to cry with you there.

I have never actually wanted to be
as vulnerable around someone I want
as I want in this moment.

You're definitely different.

-Dana Winter