celebrating walls

If it was just the dopamine / then why do I feel like my stomach / is eating itself / I have only myself to blame / I reached into / my abdomen / tied my guts into knots / because / I was tired of them jostling around every time I moved / The cloth I'd used to gag myself / I stuffed down my esophagus instead / and there it sits / the eternal lump in my throat / I wear one contact for my one bad eye / but my vision is blurrier / I cry in short bursts / because crying for too long / makes me want to throw up / My feet are colder / My skin is drier / I dragged you through the mud / and expected you to kiss my feet / and avoid my gaze at the same time / Where did this come from / How did I push it away for this long / How did I let myself get away with / living in denial / for this long / This is why I put up the defenses / This is why I don't tear them down piece by piece / It's all or nothing / and I fucked up / I couldn't stop saying that / If ever I leave this town and / start a new life / and make it a happy one / and someone asks me / No regrets / Right / I will answer them / One / actually / It's the guilt of my breaking someone / and the shaking sad fury of being broken / by someone / all rolled into one revolting recipe / and it's disgusting / I disgust myself / It's hard to heal over broken glass stuck in your chest / when you're the one who carelessly smashed the figurine against your own / body / I am not in a good place / but I'm the one who put me here / I expect it shall pass / but like all detoxification processes / this is gonna hurt / It has to / hurt /

-Dana Winter