confession #2

I didn't always know I wasn't straight.

I honestly don't know if I had super-repressed feelings when I was younger.

All I know is I saw her on my first day on the job at AmeriCorps and my first thought was "What striking beauty."

It was definitely more than just an aesthetic appreciation for her beauty.

Her grace. Her coolness and quietness and even temper.

When I first heard her speak Spanish I wanted to melt.

That year was the year I figured out I definitely wasn't straight. Was I bi?

Finding certain non-binary and intersex people attractive proved that I was definitely not bi.

Having not found anyone of other genders attractive (yet?) proves I am not pan.

I thought there was no word for people like me. I tried to tailor my feelings to fit under a nice label, because as much as I'd like not to, I am my mother's child, and I like labels.

Then I found the word: polysexual.

Who knows? I may meet people of every gender (or most genders) and realize that gender is not a factor in who I'm attracted to and I can be attracted to any gender. I may not.

But I am a part of the LGBTQ+/queer community.

I have only lived with this for two years. I have come out to my close friends and people I trust within this theatre community.

My brother knows. He is the only one in my family who does, even though I slightly suspect he believes I'm being dramatic/it's bullshit.

My boyfriend was the first person I officially came out to. He has had questions since, but has always been respectful and open-minded of this.

I have so much love and so much pride, and speaking of pride—I can't wait to go to next year's celebration. The Pulse shooting really rocked me to the core, knowing that even though I'm in a straight-passing relationship, if I am seen in the company of other people at Pride, without him—that very well makes me a target. It shook me. All those people, all those souls...I hold them in my heart.

I can't wait until everything shakes out and I get to be out, fully out...if that ever happens.