you light up my room

You’ll read it here first, folks: first official admission. You can trust Drunk Me™, because Drunk Me™ is just more vocally honest than Sober Me™.

I’m in love with two people. At the same time. And it kills me because I know I’ll never be able to have a successful polyamorous relationship with these two.

Here’s why:

1. My primary partner, when he was my platonic friend, got to hear all about how much I had a strong and unrequited and untreatable crush on the second guy. Which is why when I told him I wanted audition for his film—before I even got the part—he was upset. I’m sure he still harbors some sort of suspicion at the back of his mind.
2. My primary partner is a protective and jealous person, so I know (and he has already admitted) that he would have issues with me dating other people anyway. Not that it’s fair that I would let him and be okay with him satisfying his physical needs with other women—because I think I actually would—but therein lies the rub.

And tonight, I just—I realized how much I care for this other person. I know I have to talk to him about this, but my problem is always timing:

- He just spent Thanksgiving alone
- Christmas is coming up and that’s his favorite holiday
- his birthday is in February

Although the launch party may be in January, so that may be a good time: to bring it up before then.

I just...I care for them both so much, and if I talk to him about it, I may end up with neither of them, because *he* is going on Date #2 with some hot dance instructor and when I confessed to the table that’s carl has tried to hook us up in the past I couldn’t tell if he was joking because he was laughing but he said “Thank god THAT didn’t happen.”

But he gives the best hugs. And he’s wonderful. He’s a flawed human being and none of it has turned me off. And I’ve fallen for him in the honest way. -ish.

I’m being torn apart. Fuck. This may warrant a talk with Natalie.