“sitting still to watch the engines come and go”

Here is what I know:

1. I love you very much. Hear me out first: We click in a way I haven’t clicked with any other person thus far. I care about you deeply, and I care about what happens to you. More than anything, I just want you to be happy. But I also have future goals in mind, now, for the first time in a while, and for the first time, I see your place in that future less and less. I have tried to fit you in. You give me joy, and comfort, and security unlike anything I’ve known in a relationship. But you can’t decide on your own future. I fear that our bad habits are too similar and will weigh us down. I’m also afraid that you are with me out of comfort, not just out of love. I should be comfortable being with you, but not too comfortable with where we are—not complacent, not this early in our lives—and I’m afraid that’s where we’re headed, if we’re not already there. I’m also afraid I can’t explore my queerness in the way I want to without implicating your feelings and hurting you, even in an open or polyamorous relationship. There’s a lot of reasons why we should stay together, but a lot of reasons why we should not. I need to express these reasons to you before we start looking at places to live together, again.
2. I love you very much. Hear me out first: We click in a way I haven’t clicked with any other person thus far. I care about you deeply, and I care about what happens to you. More than anything, I just want you to be happy. I also have future goals in mind, now, for the first time in a while, and for the first time, I see your place in that future a little more; and maybe it’s only because I’ve tried to fit you in, but it at least makes some sense. You give me joy, and you make me feel like I can do more than I give myself credit for. But I don’t know what your future holds, and that scares me. I also still feel like we don’t know each other as well as I would like, and that I’ve goaded you into telling me more about yourself than I’ve told you about myself. In addition, I am very well aware that every kind gesture, every compliment, every tiny hint of flirtation, and every deep conversation we’ve had, could just be coming from a place of platonic friendship on your side, and you see me now as a good friend more than you could ever see me as a romantic partner. There are a lot of reasons why we could be together, and probably a few good reasons why we couldn’t, or shouldn’t. I need to express these reasons to you once the time is right: no sooner, no later.

One of you I would break the heart of, and the other would break the heart of me.

More than anything, I just want you to be happy. 

But here is all I know.