whole heart

clear skies you could eat up in spoonfuls
air promised with that fall chill, brisk sunshine to fill it up and light everything on bright

we drove our heels into pavement and toes into soil as we walked amongst the dead--leaves, grass, bodies buried
i'm sorry for the disrespect but i never thought i'd see a satanist buried side-by-side with eastern orthodox so i yelped

we walked through mausoleums in open wonder and reverent joy, here for the architecture and the years carved in stone
i worried a dying rose petal, black and shriveled edges, with my thumb, 
as i sweet-timed my way down the serpentine wall of names, apologizing on behalf of this world for each short life as i passed
ended at a monument with two unintentional birdbaths in front. floated the petal in the leftover rainwater of one basin and hummed Dvořák to speed your river on, whoever you are

walking home, drinking in the bottomless refills of autumn calm;
all i could think was how i hadn't felt great or even good for most of the days this year, and
how rare this peace is for me these days. hell--most of my days.
and also, how much i missed you all. you will never know. you pull me out of hell.

and you, i love, i think, and you will never ever know. you will marry him before you do, and by then i will have untied that cargo and let it float away. hopefully.

i will do nothing, there is nothing i can do. and yet today was everything.