as a result, i am on lockdown. swing dancing has been taken away from me, as well as improv, and anything that doesn't count as school or work, because those are the only places i can use the car to get to.
my mom still has great enough power over me. i feel like i walk on enough eggshells around her as it is, and the fact that she "doesn't trust me" anymore makes it worse. she yelled at me that that could have gone a long way. i feel that the essay i wrote for that scholarship was a lie, because of the way i feel about the church. i feel the punishment does not fit the crime, but i'm also used to being under my mother's control. i live at home rent-free, i'm allowed (at least some) use of the car, and the person i most recently talked to says i should step on eggshells for a little while longer.
i have weird relationship with her. i know i love her and it would hurt to lose her, but i live in fear of her. i don't know why, she doesn't physically abuse me. verbal abuse, maybe, but it's not common. i always worry about her judgment, because i'm not turning out to be who she wants me to be. i almost think she's trying to live through me, just not vicariously.
she's taken away almost all that i love from me, and i can only hope that i find some way to regain it.
-d
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