monster. (or, i know this is my fault and this is why i'll end up alone, but hear me out)

how i said it was wrong, and it was hurtful, and i apologize. but now that i've had a chance to calm down and collect my thoughts, i realize i can't go back now, and what i said had truth to it.

maybe it's because of the way i know you feel that i don't feel comfortable talking things out with you sometimes, that i don't feel comfortable letting you solve my every romantic problem.

i know your friendship towards me was based on caring and love. my friendship (and here's where the beast meets beauty and overshadows), while i do care about you to some degree, was based on a lie. i became dependent upon you to talk me out of things.

when you said that nothing i did or said could hurt you, i flew off the handle. but to me, it really does mean that your guard is still up. we are still not ready to have a balanced friendship. i don't care how honest you think you've been with me, but that sentence told me there was still a wall that wasn't going to tumble down anytime soon.

last night was the ugliest side i've ever shown. to anyone. i've been honest with others in the past, but they saw a vulnerable young woman, weak. last night was a side i didn't even know wasn't dormant anymore.

you did glorify me, i believe. every time you would apologize to me, i know, i know, that you were trying to understand my actions, and that's good, except you made it out every time to be your fault. you put me up on that pedestal. well let me tell you, it gets cold up there, and it eats away at your bones, and you're nothing left but a statue. i felt smothered by how high you held me in your eyes. i couldn't take it any longer: my skin shriveled up and grew dark, my back grew hunched and my spine showed. i crawled my way down the column and howled at you, shrieking, clawed and bare-toothed. i'm ashamed that such a violent side of me exists, but i feel like you were trying to force a mask onto my face so you wouldn't have to see it. no longer illuminating, was i?

all your intentions were good, i know this. but i grew so much during the last reign of silence we went through. i can't always be dependent on you to tell me that the only person i need to change is myself; i have to do that on my own.

don't let this hinder you from achieving the goals you've set out to do in these coming months. you can survive without me, and i, you. we've done it before. if you think you should wait around for me, don't wait until you're blue in the face--you deserve better than me, and i want no retorts on that, because it's the goddamn truth, and you know it. the way i've treated you is ignominious, deplorable, and absolutely shameful--and i don't want the monster to grow any stronger and any more independent of my control than it just has.

this is how i feel. please don't respond, as anything you would say at the present will negate these feelings, and i need to be alone with this creature to figure out how to tame it.

-d