ice queen

Maybe I'm not there yet.

I act like this is such a big deal. We never agreed to enter into a romantic relationship of any kind, save the physical aspect (and that was saved for the times we shared the same breathing space).

It is to me.

I feel like I should push forward, but at the same time, I feel lost. Here was someone I was slowly beginning to trust enough to take my heart (metaphorically, of course), and I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the line, as I looked back through all of our old messages, I did or said something that made him realize that I wasn't there, and that he really didn't like me in that way, and what the hell had he done?

Maybe I'm not there yet. But I sure don't want to be here.

I miss home. More than ever. I want to leave all my sadness here, in this room, and leave the heat off, so that by the time I return, it's frozen solid. And maybe I can put that frozen sadness somewhere in that cold place at the back of my mind, and every once in a while someone will melt it.

But until then, I want to remain strong. I want to know what it's like to really push something down so far that it becomes what is clinically termed as "repressed." I want to push this down and push through. I don't care how unhealthy it is. I don't care what I've said before.

I want to know what it's like to be strong. For once in my goddamned existence, I want to know what it's like to not break.