take full weight from me

i need to learn self-discipline. i don't know what in the world is going on with me but it doesn't fit, it definitely is not me.

the difference between a drinker and a drunk is that a drinker knows when to stop. i can take or leave alcohol (most likely leave at this point); a mixture of eating and staying up late seems to be my mode of destruction. destruction in its subtlest form? perhaps. i am generally a small person, but continuing to eat like i am will ruin me in the long run. i have made my bedtime around midnight, and last night i turned out the light at one. for people my age, in this town, this isn't anything new. but for me it is, and it is starting to take its toll on me. i am noticing more sunken eyes, like they're being drained of light and color. i cannot fall asleep before ten anymore and i am continually kept up by recurring fears and ever-present nightmares. last night was the first night that i fell asleep within at least fifteen minutes after turning out my light.

to top it off, my emotions are haywire. i keep the normal ones, the ones people notice around you, in check. last night there was an accident on the bridge and traffic was backed up for almost a mile both ways; my mother was making dinner and my brother needed to be picked up five minutes ago. rage unlike i ever knew boiled over the edge just a bit before i finally simmered down. i took a broad look at that reaction for a moment and wondered how far i'd come.

i went to bed angry last night at my brother over some other trivial matter. i broke my promise to myself to stop swearing that night. i felt so guilty. i felt horrible.

i stayed up until one re-reading atlas shrugged, and reading that right before falling asleep seemed to be the only thing that countered the nightmares. for the first time in a long time, too, i had a dream. a real dream. strange one.

i'm heading back to the secure place my heart finds in latching itself onto a romantic interest, but it's split in three. i'm trying to glue the three back together and keep it away from things like that until i find someone a) truly worthwhile and b) for whom i have great feelings for. i still have the mindset of a teenager, but it's being pushed to the back of my mind every day, back among the mixed up and rusty filing cabinets that no one ever touches but once in a while out of sheer boredom.

i've tried praying, but the words sound fake in my mind and even worse coming out of my mouth, like i don't even really care. i need to keep myself, everything in check, myself.

i do thank God for the grace and abundance of blessings He has given me.