for the first time, that i have known or been aware of, i have turned someone away.
and for the first time in my life, i feel rejected and rejecting at the same time.
it is not a pleasant mix.

i was warned and advised away from this, and in hindsight, i'm glad it was stopped before anything serious happened. i'm also glad because i realize that even if i didn't know anything about him and who he's gone after and how he usually acts around people, i don't think i wouldn't have been totally oblivious to what would've happened on the outside, and by then i would have been stuck.

when i reject people, whether from love or friendship or respect, i tend to avoid them. i don't come right out and tell them everything, although i should. i've always pictured confrontations unfolding fine; honest and rough but in the end worthwhile. the honesty is that i'm scared stiff of confrontations of most kinds. i hide. i disappear to them, or rather, they to me. i act like nothing, truly, empty nothing, happened, that there's nothing i'm ignoring, what are you talking about? that never happened.

but i feel freedom. i have room now, whether it be for error or love or something important. i need to walk dead center in the middle of it; i should be tired of edging along the walls.

the only question is when i venture out there will the floor cave in under my dense weight or will it hold.

and i can't decide on whether i'd like a dramatic script for a life or a normal one, but i'll settle for a very happy medium if anything at all.

-d