too close, sir.

standing.

but i don't mind all that much, as long as you keep smiling that wonderful grin of yours at my nervously overdone jokes and so-called witticisms.

or just me, that'd be fine.

..................

oh, and i always overdo things. i can't keep very good eye contact with you, for the same reasons i haven't with others in the past. and yet, it's very easy to keep a conversation with just you and i. however, when my friend is there, i stupidly just crack the witticisms open like eggs; this recipe will end up too runny, literally running away with itself. carried away? i get there. i can't help it. it's like every time i step out onto the stage, or even in front of some class for a simple presentation--who says actors aren't nervous? i'm nervous every freaking time! going through the same production process doesn't alter the reaction, the question is in controlling it. it's what i LOVE, that i can still be nervous and excited after all these years.

although it doesn't always help in the department where you're concerned. i still do love the fact that i get bashful around you, but it quickly transitions into the lioness and suddenly i'm desperate for your eyes as spotlights, for everyone's in the room, lights following my every move, calculating and inferencing on every small action, such as the way i sit, or carry myself (away). where my eyes rove, and where they rest. how still my feet are, if they are still at all, and if not, what dance steps (if real) do they step or pat out. how red or pale my face goes at an unexpected comment, and how wide i open my mouth for whatever response.

and upon reading this, should you ever, sir, i'd commend you for thinking right about me:

crazy.

because dammit all, that's what you've turned it into. beneath a mopped-up swarthy "mane", beneath normal, dominantly-traited-colored eyes that i like to think sparkling and alive at some moments and warm and soulful others, beneath a preened appearance: a small hurricane. don't worry, she'll die off before she reaches the shore, it looks like.

but it would be nice if i could have at least one, good, hug.

-d