Dear Lord,

I've been the worst person these past couple of years. I still believe in you, and I still believe in what your son did, and I even believe that he was your son and that miracles do happen.

There are a few things that I can't get with, though:

1. All the doctrines of the Christian religion that are popping up everywhere. A good chunk of them don't sit well with my conscience.
2. Who gets into heaven. He's up there, he has to be. If there even is a heaven and hell. What if there isn't? And if there is, I'm sure that my name is on the list of those bound for purgatory at this point. If there is a middle ground. What if this life is all I have? Which brings me to
3. Destiny. You have plans for me; you have mapped out my life to the second. Fate could pass as another term for it. What if I don't believe in that? What if that makes me feel restricted? What I'm really conflicted about is making my own life and not worrying about what's in store for me, but knowing that you know all that is going to happen in my life. It's almost too much to wrap my sorry little head around.

Anyway, those matters aside, I still pray every night for the same things, like it's a superstitious ritual and if I don't do it, something bad will happen. And I only pray really hard every time I need something, not unlike a few people I know.

But I could really use a faith-booster right now. A miracle. A windfall. I'm in a mess. Hell, I am a mess. I am this close to...I don't know. Not killing myself, no, but...something.

I really need your grace right now. I need more faith to believe that your grace could be bestowed upon me.

Please keep Eky and Tasya safe. Please be with Japan.

Amen.