for the poor, patched muscle that helps me write these things

Walk Off in the late late morning light--
where there's a corner of blue sky just beneath the overcast,
peeking from behind the new buildings on an old street

but what will really smother me is thoughts of how many kisses you gave me between the time we arrived at the bar and the time we said goodbye this morning.
I lost count, but it was a lot:
      everything from temple-pecks like you were surprised and happy to see me
      to apples of cheeks as you checked in on me, even in front of friends
      to feather-lights on my shoulder before you'd get out of bed or turn over
      to possibly, and I'm not joking, I do not recall anything like it before you in my history,
          the sweetest, gentlest, most tender goodbye-kiss;
          whatever's sitting behind my ribcage will not have a thawed lifespan longer than two minutes
              because it's melted, okay? It's gone,

I am head-over-heels-over-the-fucking-moon and I am trying to accept it but I am scared of it.

I'm scared because of what happened the last time I let someone over the moat and through the castle gates when they didn't realize it;
      the kind of security clearance you have to have to get this far sets top brass's teeth on edge.

I'm scared that the practicum I want will drain me of any spare hours I had these past three months to use on you.
I want to hold onto that half-hour-long moment from this morning:
the back of your head, the freckles on the back of your shoulders and neck,
and the smell of comfort, somehow.
Sometimes I feel like a real creep for somehow finding the one person who wakes up later than I do.
      Writing the last part of that sentence made me want to cry.

I want to fly back to the house I grew up in just to carve your name on my hometree
so that I get good practice for carving out time for you in the coming year because goddammit,
I want more of it.
I hope you do too. I don't want to be the only one breaking a pocketknife blade on bark for no good reason.