time and space, timespace

Friday afternoon, March 6th, 2026.  Theia takes me to lunch in my neighborhood so we can both get out of our apartments and feel "more human." I think she also feels bad that I got laid off the day before. We go to the tamales place that's also a brewery, where we have mostly good conversation. In the middle of it, she does tell me that the person she's been hanging out with a lot--who she's told me about before--that they're seeing each other. I immediately, nonchalantly, wave it off and say it doesn't bother me. Later during lunch, I notice the spot between her neck and her collarbone--not a very hidden spot. She also puts her finger to her ear canal and mentions Ellie "really got in there." I start to realize that the things Theia used to do with me behind closed doors, she's now doing with another person. Hands. Mouth. Probably grabbing thighs and stomach fat. My face gets hot. We end up walking around the nieghborhood after lunch and then she goes home to meet her grocery delivery. I go home to a sad realization and to cry. When I go downtown later to have drinksw with Danielle, I tell her my ex is seeing someone else. She hums sympathies.

Somewhere around 7:15pm, Saturday, March 7th. I go see Monica's show at Theatre Off Jackson. I know Theia will be there, and she's bringing her new...flame. Sure enough, she finds where I'm sitting and comes over to say hi. She introduces me to Ellie, who smiles politely with a drink in hand and says "It's nice to meet you." She's beautiful, of course. She's shorter than me, with dark full hair, no visible dandruff, a dark red lip, and a fuller figure with a better hips. She's meant to have them, I think, thinking of my skinny chicken legs that don't fit my bulbous torso. It's awkward. They go back to their seats on the other side of the center section. Thank god for Avril, who shows up a minute later. We end up sitting next to a former classmate from undergrad, Sierra, whom neither of us have seen in some time. We catch up. I am grateful for the honest distraction.

The show is very moving. About grief and loneliness and letting go of someone you love. Monica is brilliant, of course, and moves me to tears for the second time I've seen a show of theirs. A now-former co-worker co-stars alongside Monica, Mariah. I feel the tiniest pinch of an actor's crush after watching their performances.

Later that night. Avril graciously gives me a ride homea fter dropping Monica off at their place. Avril asks me to tell them what's going on, because they could tell from how I acted in the theater that I didn't want to be around Theia and her date. I tell them that I said to Theia that I was okay with her dating someone new, but that I realized later that I wasn't. That I had thought all those sad, one-sided conversations about how lonely she felt--even after she'd broken up with me, sitting in our--no, her--bed, me biting back the "you made that particular choice, it doesn't have to be that way"--all of those times she said she needed more time and space to herself to figure out her own shit, that she'd meant that. But I guess not. "I think I need more time, and more space, before I can come back to her as a friend." Avril wholeheartedly agreed, "You need to do that for yourself, if not for yourself, then for the future of your friendship with her. But you should do it for yourself." They're right. In the middle of this conversation, we miss my exit and spend the re-routing singing very loudly to the first Phantogram song I ever heard with the windows down. I remember every word and feel fifteen years younger.

10:23pm, same night. I call Theia as soon as I walk in the door, she's doing dishes. I tell her I need more time and space. I don't want her to avoid events that I'm also at, and vice versa, but I tried being the cool ex-turned-friend, and it's not working. I can't follow the lesbian trope of immediately being friends with one's ex. She says she thinks that trope is bullshit anyway. I tell her it wouldn't be good for me, or fair to her. I have a jealous ball of iron in my gut that I need to remove, and that will take time (I wish had been that poetic when I talked to her). She said she understood. I said when I was ready to start a new chapter of our friendship, I would let her know. We said goodbye.